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Wife has young boyfriend & says she needs space and time to think!

My Story – By Finn:

My wife of 10 years (have been together 15) has just recently left me, announcing that she needed some space and her own freedom (who doesn’t) she swore there was nobody else. She keeps lying to me. She had an affair 2 years ago and it totally devastated me. We managed to get back together and were doing really well, then a similar pattern started to emerge, i asked her if everything was OK, she kept repeating that there was nothing wrong and she loved me, she would never hurt me again or the children. She recently started going out and acting like a teenager, coming in at three in the morning, or not at all, and became very angry if i asked her where she was or what she was doing.

She believed that i should not be asking her what she was doing, she had said that he did not feel the need to show me affection any more. Since she has left i have found out that she has a 22 year old boyfriend who she says she has just met (she only moved out a week ago) every day i have to prize a bit more information out of her and can tell that she has been lying through her teeth. She wants us to be friends for the children’s sake and if I’m friendly and do as she asks, i can stay in the house otherwise if i try to fleece her she says i will end up homeless. I do work but cant afford to pay everything. She is being so heartless, she knows what i went through before and says she is not doing it on purpose. She says she loves me and cares for me but our marriage is over. She wants me to divorce her as it is cheaper and says i cant divorce her for adultery as i would not be able to prove it. I am so lonely, hurt and angry and don’t know what to do for the best.

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4 thoughts on “Wife has young boyfriend & says she needs space and time to think!

  1. Finn, how old is your ex ? Mine was 47 when she hit the mid-life crisis and started going on about freedom and independence, and all that. I don’t think she has found the greener grass she was looking for – I think she’s found a patch of old scrub land ! She’s taken on a divorced man, his two kids, and a new mortgage. Her new house is slap-bang on a busy by-pass (we had a lovely detached house in the country overlooking fields), and one of this man’s kids has been kicked out of school and is always in trouble with the Police. Despite all that my ex has put me through (I’m off Prozac now), I now realise that it’s me with the nice green grass. Wanting isn’t the same as having, and she’s got just what she deserved ! Hang on in there, you’ll find yourself with much more strength than you would’ve thought possible. Think about having counselling too. I was very resistant to the idea at first but I’m so glad I went. Each time was like downloading a bit off the computer and putting it into recycling. Once a bit has gone, it gets easier to cope with what’s left. Be strong!

  2. Aiden my wife is 33. She believes what she is doing is for my benefit. I really don’t know where to start, we have built up so much over the years and were just starting to have more. Like you i think she thinks she has gone to greener grass. She has a 22 year old man who i have found out has quite a reputation, he has only recently finished an affair with a married woman, he seems to like them that way. She has given up a nice three bedroom house in the country. I have a good job with good prospects, a loyal husband and has gone to a 22 year old man slag. I am going through different emotions, one minute I hate her and then the next I still love her. It hurts me to see her and I feel like selling up and moving right out of the way. Do you really think councelling would be a good idea, where do you get that from. I know in my heart that it will all be alright in the end and i am better of without her, but not feeling that way at the moment, maybe I’m just afraid of being on my own and how i will cope. Thank for talking to me it helps to know there is someone who is going (or gone) through the same as me.

  3. Finn you are not alone! Lots of us are going through it and we all have the same emotions…pain, regret, loss…I try to see it as a “process” that will come to an end! And that those feelings are perfectly natural. The most important people in this are the children. It’s hard to see that when you are suffering. I have tried to put them first through my situation and realise that they love their mam and need her as much as they do me. My parents divorced and the worst thing about it was after 28 years they ended up hating each other and we felt pulled in two directions. My experience has meant that I tried to hold on to my marriage longer than I should have done because I didn’t want to put them through that pain. But she and I, having been through the hate and hurt bit, are now able to sit and talk openly about the future and we keep the children at the front of the queue when it comes to what we are going to do. I am hoping that we will be friends and so the children will still feel part of a family even though mum and dad don’t live together. By the way, I do understand the pain of betrayal and have lived with it for 3 long years. I feel that I have grieved for my marriage during this time and now the hate/revenge feelings etc have gone. Get legal advice, get support from people you trust and who care about you, and learn to love yourself for who YOU are (adultery makes us feel worthless, but we are not!) you WILL make it,and one day she may live to regret her actions…by then you will have moved on and it will be too late for her.

  4. Connor is so right. We are NOT worthless, we are the strong ones; the weak ones have gone off to look for their greener grass. Being betrayed is just so awful and I really do understand your mixed emotions. I too still have these, but I also have some great memories of the good times we shared – at the end of the day, even if we hadn’t split up, these memories would still be the same, they would still be there. So although I grieve for our relationship ( and it is a real grief we all go through, a bereavement) I know now that I am better off without her. Only today I was thinking how much happier I am, how I am making my own decisions, and how the stress levels have reduced in my life because of what’s happened. I am my own person again, and I actually find that I’m looking forward to a better future. My children have made their own minds up about the separation now that they are over the initial shock. My relationship with them has altered considerably (some good things, some not so good) but I do feel we’ve come through this whole thing as stronger people. My ex now lives with a ‘womanizer’ and his kids but it is not the domestic blissful situation that she was seeking. One day she’ll acknowledge that and realise what an idiot she’s been (everyone told her this ages ago); for the moment, she’s happy to bury her head in the sand. As for counselling, I finally got round to asking my Doctor for a referral (it took me months to do this, only wish I had gone sooner); I find the sessions useful as I can ‘let off steam’ (and a few tears) and he doesn’t feel embarrassed by my actions and words. He has helped me to understand why I have the feelings I do (including the mixed emotions) and how to deal with it all. Consequently, I feel I’m reaching the final stage of grief at this loss of relationship and life is taking a turn for the better. My ex, on the other hand, is now heading for the same rut she thought she was leaving when she left me. She’s such an idiot !! Hang on in there.

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