My Loneliness Story – By Arry:
I am a very creative person, and it’s how I pay my bills. Need a graphics designer or a motion graphics expert? I’m the one to call. Even though having these skills ensured that I had all I needed, I’m a very lonely man. At times being alone helps me to be more creative because I am always in my head trying to think of more creative ideas, yet it is no way to live as it has cost me a lot.
Even though I grew up in a tightly knitted family, having most of my friends and family stay around me, I don’t see any of them since I became fed up with socializing. The ones that tried to keep in touch, I sort of pushed them away, and they stopped when they had enough of my indifferent attitude. My luck changed from someone who used to have a lot of families and friends around to mingle with, to someone who couldn’t even see a missed call on his phone for two days.
As an individual who felt uniquely talented, I became self absolved in myself and felt most people that I know were not worth my time, effort, and intellect. I interacted with people on the surface and never wanted to feel vulnerable, so I had no deep relationship and was alone. My life continued this way till I just couldn’t continue with a boring life of solitude. So I tried socializing again by hanging out with the boys. Though I had fun most times, but on getting home I just crash emotionally and feel so empty inside. Shouldn’t going out be a way of overcoming loneliness? Why isn’t it working for me?
I decided at a time to get into a relationship. I figured I may be missing some company and needed someone to get involved with at an emotional level. She was good company at first, but I started to retract emotionally from her because we were having several misunderstandings and couldn’t relate at the level I wanted. We broke it off and I guess it broke her more than I expected. I haven’t got into any relationship since then. Sometimes I look back and blame myself for being too difficult and not trying to tolerate our differences. I let my ego get in the way of me finding love, and I doubt if I’ll ever get a second chance.
Since any prolonged contact with people leaves me feeling very low, I decided to use alcohol to smooth out the rough spots. From waking up in a ditch covered with vomit, to embarrassing myself, alcohol has cost me a lot. It even made me miss out on some important opportunities. I just had to stop because I was afraid my health will be at risk if I kept up with binge-drinking. So now I barely have anything to drink. Now I spend every day in front of my computer, filling the time between waking up and going to sleep. I keep myself stable, not too happy, not too sad, so that I don’t crash anymore. Anyway, I’ll not drone on.
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