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What do I do next?

My Divorce Story – By Andy:

I found out my wife was having an affair 3 months ago with a guy we both knew at work (she had a fling with him then). We have been married 10 years and have 2 kids. I put it down to us drifting apart when the kids arrived – I was jealous of the attention she gave them and she had no time for me. Hence, she got no emotional support from me and went looking for it. She really did try to resist his advances but failed in the end. He has always contacted her over the years, even though he is married as well, in his recent words ‘to see if she was still happy’. Then he struck when she was down. He’s a real emotional charmer and I hate him for how he’s used that on her.

We are still together in the house but essentially living separate lives. We have been very civil about it. She was as devastated as I at the start and said that she wasn’t sure whether to make a go of it. But now she wants to separate and when I dig deep she says deep down she wants to be with him. She asked me to move out of our mortgaged house but I said a definite ‘no’. She is now looking at rented accommodation.

I feel totally confused by the whole thing. We have had a very strong marriage, brought up the kids well and as she says ‘you have done nothing wrong’ and she says she still loves me. When I first found out we became very close and she added ‘this isn’t the natural end to our marriage’.

Suffice to say that I have wanted her back through all this and she has resisted. She sends 10 text messages a day to this guy and I know he is pushing her to move forwards.

I just don’t know what she is planning and what I should do next. I have seen a solicitor but really want to avoid that if possible.

The thought of him being with my kids, polluting them with his ways is unbearable. If he moved into our house then this would be unthinkable.

My wife is seeing a councilor but I am not. It is helping her but I am actually quite strong by nature. I have had my doubts about us in the past and I am focusing on them now that I know she wants it to end.

If I meet him I am afraid of what I will do. I will certainly hit him. My wife says he is very nervous of meeting me. He feels ‘a shit’.

We have talked about maintenance which I obviously would pay for the kids sake. But how do I stop him getting his hands on it? Is the assessment based on her income plus what he brings into her life?

We have not told family yet. My mother will be absolutely destroyed – I worry about what it will do to her health.

Can I do anything to change her mind? I have told her that she is making the biggest mistake of her life. I really believe that this guy will move on – he doesn’t have or want kids and will get loads more frustrated than I did. He expects a new life of them being together but it’s not going to be like that.

Sorry this is so long winded but I needed to get it down. Any guidance would be appreciated.

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4 thoughts on “What do I do next?

  1. I have been in a similar position to you. You are right not to leave the house. You could get completely stuffed financially if you do. You could remind her that she is legally responsible for half the mortgage etc.

    I am afraid you can do little to change her mind and so you have to cope with it. I think you should see a close friend or relative as early as possible or even a counsellor. You are not as strong as you think.

    You can do nothing to stop him getting any money you pay for child support.

    You should be aware that the law is heavily biased against you as a man. There are some things you can do to minimize the damage long term for you and your children. Your main bargaining power is staying in the house.

    Whatever you do don’t hit him. That could give reason for removing you from the house. Also be aware that you may be provoked – just walk away.

    Finally try to keep everything stable for the kids.

  2. I think she will only realise what she has lost when all is done and dusted and it will be too late. The most important thing for you is to keep your self respect, your mind intact and your kids happy.

    One other word of advice. Despite the fact that you still love her you have to fight to get as good a deal as you can (I mean a fair deal as well). If you don’t then this will effect your whole life including your relationship with your kids. Its a cruel world when you have to fight the people you love.

  3. Hi Andy, I can’t add anything more than what the guys have all said. Keep calm, and be strong, although its far easier said than done. I know perfectly well how you feel towards him, I have on many occasions wanted to rip “her” heart out, and poke her eyes out with a red-hot poker!!!!……but at the end of the day it would do no-one any good, especially you.

    Keep your self-respect, you’ve done nothing wrong, so come out of this at the end of the day with your head held high. That is what I keep telling myself anyway. I can live with myself

  4. I agree with all of the above comments. Stay put and try and be strong. Let her go. There is nothing anyone can say to make it easier or better but you WILL get through it.

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