Just as a beautiful rose withers, the same way many couples watch the bright smiles and optimism that started their union turn in into sadness and resentment. Unless you’re a divorce attorney, or a partner that smiles to the bank after a divorce, the process takes an emotional and psychological toll on everyone involved. While there are a plethora of reasons that lead to divorce, with some leaving you jaw dropped and making you marvel about how shallow humans can be, these are the top 10 reasons for divorce:
1. Lack of communication: A good rapport with your partner fosters a strong bond and a connection that is invaluable to keeping the engine of the marriage running. Often times couples keep to themselves or yell at each other without effectively communicating their actual thoughts, needs, personal interests and wants. This attitude derails several emotional trains, thus leading to poor resolution of conflicts, neglect and misunderstanding. Eventually both couples become strangers that can’t live with one another. This is why it’s vital to have a good communication that sustains a positive and affectionate daily conversation, effective planning and loving relationship where both partners understand each other.
2. Financial matters: We’ve seen cases of homes becoming dreadful places for the bread winners to return to. Mainly because the husband’s having a major set back in his finances. Other times, some couples divorce because one partner is not satisfied with the financial contribution of the other partner. It also constitutes a problem when both partners have disparate spending habits. Probably one is frugal and the other doesn’t mind making expensive purchases on a joint wallet or at the expense of the other partner’s wallet. And let’s not forget, there are cases of betrayal in money matters. Many homes have been broken upon discovery that a partner was hiding some personal investments and was not being totally transparent about the amount of money he or she earns.
3. When expectations are not being met: People go into relationships and marriages with certain expectations and when these expectations are not met, they put the blame on their partner and resent them till they eventually want out of the marriage. To them their partner is the reason why they are unhappy or unfulfilled. Their partner never evolved the way they wanted and the marriage didn’t turn the way they thought it would have. They forget that marriage doesn’t have a mental blueprint, and that its success is dependent on how much you are willing to give in to it and how much you are willing to forgive, comprise and sacrifice.
4. Lack of intimacy: No matter how small, the good bye kisses, hello kisses, hugs and all forms of PDA are invaluable to igniting the flames of love in marriages. No wonder the hormone Oxytocin that is released when we cuddle and get physically intimate is associated with bonding and reduction in stress levels. When these acts of physical intimacy are non-existent, the attraction and affection fades away. The importance of good sex in marriage can’t also be overemphasized. This is why bedroom boredom and a non-existent sex life kills marriages very fast. With the possibility of one or both partners, looking outside the marriage for that satisfaction. Intimacy doesn’t even end at the physical alone, surprising your partner, spicing up sex and being romantic and making your partner feel loved are powerful ways to sustain a marriage.
5. Taking each other for granted: Many people get lazy after winning their spouses over. The chase, antics and things they once did to get their partner attracted to them then gets locked up in the archives. Whereas couples should always find new ways to spice up the romance and create sexual tension. It is what keeps things interesting and fresh. There’s also the case of one party letting go of him or herself. Not making an effort on appearance and also not making effort on inventive sex. Eventually one partner gets tired of having sex with a dead lorry and living with Jabba the Hutt. When couples take each other for granted, they get inconsiderate and pay no attention to their needs and wants. Eventually the attraction and affection fades away, and they ultimately fall out of love.
6. Addiction: Addiction never brought about anything good, the same way nothing is ever good in excess. When one partner is addicted to alcohol, gambling, substance abuse, pornography or even social media. The partner is prone to betraying fundamental elements of the marriage. I need not elucidate on the havoc caused by alcoholism and substance abuse. Not only do they have detrimental effect on the person but they also have emotional and psychological effect on both the partner and children. Both also lead to domestic violence and resentment by the significant other. No wife likes a gambling husband, except the one that wins every time. Since most gambling establishments have games rigged against you, and the odds of you winning every time is next to impossible, don’t be surprised if your wife asks for a divorce if you consistently squander money. And then there’s pornography, which to many individuals is a form of infidelity as you don’t find them sexually enticing enough. Two lessons to take from this, in everything (outings, sex, alcohol, social media) moderation is key and some things had best be avoided (substance abuse, pornography, buying into vile fantasies and chronic gambling)
7. Growing apart: One mistake many couples make is focusing too much on the children such that they forget they are pillars that truly matter the most in a family. Not realizing that without their marriage there would have been no children. And also that without them sticking together and living in harmony, there won’t be adequate emotional and psychological guidance for the children; the children won’t even have heroes to look up to. Owing to divorce, many kids watch their heroes become villains. So couples should stop saying they’re doing it for the children and focus on themselves. Eventually when these kids grow up and move on, couples then discover that they have nothing in common due to the void created by limited attention, lack of communication and lack of Intimacy. As we grow older also, our interest and what makes us fulfilled and happy changes. So when a married couple don’t carry each other along, find common interest and don’t journey through life as one, they eventually grow apart, becoming strangers that are only cohabiting.
8. Abuse: There are instances when divorce is best for both parties and such is the case when you’re being abused. Be it mental, physical or emotional abuse, no one should remain in a volatile relationship. Apart from picking up injuries that might be fatal from domestic violence, emotional and verbal abuse has a detrimental effect on health, and damages one’s self esteem, with feelings of inadequacy. In such situations divorce not only saves the victims from depression, emotional numbness and domestic violence. But also prevents the children from being emotionally, psychological and at times physically scarred.
9. Infidelity: Let me guess? You’re wondering why this falls at the bottom of the list, yeah? While some individuals are naturally cheaters and can’t save a life by being faithful for a week, most acts of infidelity or adultery are as a result of underlying reasons such as lack of communication, taking each other for granted, resentment, growing apart, lack of intimacy, abuse, unequal sexual appetite etc. It often starts with an emotional affair with someone that pays attention and listens, till it eventually becomes a physical affair. Extramarital affairs are a major deal breaker for many individuals as they feel betrayed and not just good enough.
10. When one or both partners settled: People get married for different reasons, some want someone that will take care of their financial needs, some marry for profitable alliances, some marry due to age pressure, some marry due to unplanned pregnancy and some marry because they’ve dated for so long and it will seem callous and unfair for them to break up and find someone they’re really compatible with. Whichever way, a marriage is destined to fail when one or both partners settle or when either or both of them are in the marriage for the wrong reasons because the marriage wasn’t built on a solid foundation.
There you have it. These are the most common reasons why people divorce. For the divorced, I hope this article brings you some form of closure. And for the married folks or Phoenix men looking to build new relationships, I hope these serves as mistakes to avoid in your relationship. Cheers!
Please Submit Your Own Story…
Please consider sharing your story with others suffering now. How you coped? How you felt? What helped? What were the circumstances that led up to your separation? How do you cope with loneliness? The more you can share the better.
Your story really does help others who are going through the same gut wrenching pain. Your story reinforces the fact that they are not alone in their suffering.