Hi everybody, I am in desperate need of advice here. I would really appreciate any insights from people who have had to deal with similar situations. I was am 36 years old, married for 13 years with three children 12, 8 and 7. Things started going badly wrong two years ago when my wife started going off the rails. I spent 14 months with her telling me that she loved me, didn’t love me, wanted a divorce and didn’t want a divorce. She started doing all the usual stuff, out clubbing every night etc. I was devastated and made massive changes to myself, I became the man she told me she wanted. I eventually couldn’t take any more pain and left 10 months ago. Almost from the moment I left she started dating other men. She met somebody serious in January and has been in a sexual relationship with him since.
My problem is this: she will not let go of me. Every time I start to get on with my life and stop contacting her, she starts to hint at reconciliation. The moment I respond positively, she runs. I grew wise to this eventually as it was destroying me. I filed for divorce late February on the grounds of her admitted adultery. She went crazy when she got the divorce papers. I offered her a reconciliation if she finished with her boyfriend and worked on the marriage. She declined. Two months later, she has not returned the petition and refuses to do so. She has stated that she will rip up any paperwork she gets from the court. I have tried to reason with her, explaining that I need the divorce to move on as I have suffered enough, and I do not want to have a bailiff deliver another petition, but I will have no choice. All to no avail. I cannot reason with her. Things have now got out of hand. I have the children 3 nights a week at my house. I have remained faithful for the last 10 months, but recently met somebody special.
I requested for the first ever time that I swap a Sunday night for a Monday night with the kids. I didn’t state why? She agreed and was fine, I have swapped many nights for her in the past for all sorts of reasons. She later found out from a friend that I had spent the weekend with my new lady friend. All hell broke loose. She claimed I was evil, evil, evil for swapping the Sunday night. She told me again and again (as she has done for the last 10 months) I am a terrible, terrible father. I’m not, I know I am a very good father. She told me she wished I would have a heart attack and die and not be found for weeks.
She said she knew I would replace her as easily as I have. I received dozens of texts with the most evil stuff imaginable, including explicit details of what she does with her boyfriend in bed. She has now stated she will do everything in her power to make the divorce difficult. She is the most manipulative person I have ever known. I knew all through our marriage there were emotional problems with her, but they are now extreme. The manipulation is relentless and so, so subtle. She talks a calm and rational story to her friends, but is the opposite with me. She almost brainwashed me into thinking I was wrong to be seeing someone now. This emotional manipulation is destroying me. What can I do? I don’t know how to handle this. It’s so subtle that other people tell me I am the one to blame and that she is a good person.
They don’t believe me when I tell them what she is like and the misery she is causing for me. She has never stopped me seeing the children once, but she has threatened to a thousand times, to try and control me. The truth is, though, I know if I refused to see the children she would be heartbroken for them. She is destroying me, I am happy to move on, but she won’t let me. What do I do? She twists everything, and I mean everything, to the extent I think she actually believes her own half-truths. Have other people had to handle partners like this? I would really appreciate any help. Sorry, post is a bit long. Gary