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Narcissist Wife Is So Evil & Nasty

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Hi everybody, I am in desperate need of advice here. I would really appreciate any insights from people who have had to deal with similar situations. I was am 36 years old, married for 13 years with three children 12, 8 and 7. Things started going badly wrong two years ago when my wife started going off the rails. I spent 14 months with her telling me that she loved me, didn’t love me, wanted a divorce and didn’t want a divorce. She started doing all the usual stuff, out clubbing every night etc. I was devastated and made massive changes to myself, I became the man she told me she wanted. I eventually couldn’t take any more pain and left 10 months ago. Almost from the moment I left she started dating other men. She met somebody serious in January and has been in a sexual relationship with him since.

My problem is this: she will not let go of me. Every time I start to get on with my life and stop contacting her, she starts to hint at reconciliation. The moment I respond positively, she runs. I grew wise to this eventually as it was destroying me. I filed for divorce late February on the grounds of her admitted adultery. She went crazy when she got the divorce papers. I offered her a reconciliation if she finished with her boyfriend and worked on the marriage. She declined. Two months later, she has not returned the petition and refuses to do so. She has stated that she will rip up any paperwork she gets from the court. I have tried to reason with her, explaining that I need the divorce to move on as I have suffered enough, and I do not want to have a bailiff deliver another petition, but I will have no choice. All to no avail. I cannot reason with her. Things have now got out of hand. I have the children 3 nights a week at my house. I have remained faithful for the last 10 months, but recently met somebody special.

I requested for the first ever time that I swap a Sunday night for a Monday night with the kids. I didn’t state why? She agreed and was fine, I have swapped many nights for her in the past for all sorts of reasons. She later found out from a friend that I had spent the weekend with my new lady friend. All hell broke loose. She claimed I was evil, evil, evil for swapping the Sunday night. She told me again and again (as she has done for the last 10 months) I am a terrible, terrible father. I’m not, I know I am a very good father. She told me she wished I would have a heart attack and die and not be found for weeks.

She said she knew I would replace her as easily as I have. I received dozens of texts with the most evil stuff imaginable, including explicit details of what she does with her boyfriend in bed. She has now stated she will do everything in her power to make the divorce difficult. She is the most manipulative person I have ever known. I knew all through our marriage there were emotional problems with her, but they are now extreme. The manipulation is relentless and so, so subtle. She talks a calm and rational story to her friends, but is the opposite with me. She almost brainwashed me into thinking I was wrong to be seeing someone now. This emotional manipulation is destroying me. What can I do? I don’t know how to handle this. It’s so subtle that other people tell me I am the one to blame and that she is a good person.

They don’t believe me when I tell them what she is like and the misery she is causing for me. She has never stopped me seeing the children once, but she has threatened to a thousand times, to try and control me. The truth is, though, I know if I refused to see the children she would be heartbroken for them. She is destroying me, I am happy to move on, but she won’t let me. What do I do? She twists everything, and I mean everything, to the extent I think she actually believes her own half-truths. Have other people had to handle partners like this? I would really appreciate any help. Sorry, post is a bit long. Gary

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12 thoughts on “Narcissist Wife Is So Evil & Nasty”

  1. Yes – Ive had to handle someone just like this – the only bit you missed was mine tells everyone that I am the control freak! The only thing that works for me is to get on with my life regardless of her attempts to unsettle me. Be reasonable and calm, rise above the childishness and it will disarm her. Explain to the children your arrangements for when they will spend time with you, tell her you’ve done this (give them a calendar) this will stop her from threatening you about because she will have to disappoint the children. Be strong for your kids and you will soon be proud of yourself (strong on the inside – strong enough to let her crap wash right off your peacock feathers) . They will be proud of you too & love you all the more. Ignore what others think – If they believe her, let them. Actions speak louder than words. Good luck with your new lady.

  2. Thanks Christopher, I did miss out the bit where she tells everybody I am trying to control her but that’s exactly what she does. I agree entirely with your advice and have tried many times to do exactly that, guess I have to just keep on trying. I am the most reasonable, gentle, kind person going. Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off being nasty but it’s just not me. I have tried so many times to refuse to be drawn in and to only discuss children and nothing more. Problem is she gets desperate after a month or so and she worms her way in so, so gently using the children which I cannot ignore. Before I know it she is wrecking me again. Just need to keep working on it I guess. But how do you deal with flexibility in arrangements?

    There has to be some. I have agreed every single time she has asked for a swap regardless of reason. If she wanted to swap a day to go away with her boyfriend I would say fine if it I could do it, despite any lingering jealousy I feel. If I then asked the same of her all hell would break loose. I would be evil, a bad father, blah, blah etc. If I pointed out I had just done it for her then I guarantee there would be a thousand subtle little reasons that would mean it was fine for her and she was a superb mother and I am stupid for not being able to see the difference. How the hell do you deal with it? I don’t won’t to refuse her requests for flexibility. I don’t want to spend ten years fighting but she just cannot be reasoned with. Another example of the subtle manipulation. Last weekend while away with my lady friend in a restaurant she got the kids to ring my mobile. They have never called me ONCE in ten months because they are only ever away a couple of days from me. I missed the call as my phone was in the car but the kids left messages saying goodnight and love you. She went berserk saying I was putting this woman above children, I am evil, evil, evil etc. I told her she had got them to call and to stop trying to control me. She screamed and screamed at me that she hadn’t.

    Now, I KNOW she did. She engineered it by making subtle suggestions to them. I have no proof, but I know. The thing is I think she actually believes herself, her emotions replace facts. It’s all so crazy, I don’t give a dam if they call me but I can’t cope with her response just because I missed a call. Big deal. The most upsetting thing about it all is she comes across as the paragon of reasonableness to her family and friends. I know I should ignore what other people think but it’s hard when you care. Tony

  3. Dear Gary, mine is similar too. We are divorced and I am married again to a wonderful woman. My ex says I am bitter, but she is the one who moved out to BF and looks like she has aged 10 years!! Mine is controlling tells everyone a load of lies, I have people who were family, friends etc who will not speak to me, BUT I also have friends and family who know the truth and support me totally. She is using you, when she is in a relationship it is fine as long as you haven’t. She now sees you moving on and it is not right (in her eyes). My ex was very reasonable (???) until I started going out and making relationships. My ex manipulates the children and says she doesn’t. I have no answers mate but get on with your new life and new relationship. Take Care

  4. Hi Gary Jesus, it can’t be easy. I’ve been there, and it’s hell. In fact I’m still there after 4 years, but things are getting better and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. What you are describing is a very insecure, jealous, possessive person (just like my ex) that cannot move on because she doesn’t want to totally give up the control -power- over you (just like my ex), will not hesitate to use kids -yet another weapon- (just like my ex), and has gone past the stage of being able to reason (just like my ex)!

    I gave my ex two years to stop the abuse (some may say too long) then took action. I do hope things work out eventually for you and I’ll be thinking of you.

  5. Hi, Gary. This is all so painful and distressing to go through. Ask yourself the question if you’re so awful (paraphrasing here) why does she want anything more to do with you. She can’t keep away/stay out of your life because she is still emotionally dependent on you. Please hold onto your sanity, it isn’t you. Much of the behavior you describe sounds familiar to me, I don’t think the unreasonable ones can quite cope when the reasonable one says enough is enough. Best wishes

  6. Thanks so much everybody for your replies. Her style is emotional manipulation and threats to remove children if I don’t behave as she wants. I don’t think outside agencies would ever be able to help, her style is too subtle. She would sit in front of a counsellor agreeing with everything the counsellor said and coming across as entirely reasonable. The counsellor would come out thinking I had a problem?

    I have now realised that I can defend myself with cold, hard reason until the cows come home. She’s not interested. All she wants to do is hurt me and control me. I honestly believe though, that she really doesn’t know she’s doing it. I think her thinking is so warped she actually believes what she is saying on one level, but on a much deeper level, she knows it’s sh!t. Hope that makes sense. I have just been to the court and paid to have another petition delivered by bailiff. I have no doubt that when she gets it she will go crazy again and accuse me of being evil and making things nasty.

    I have spent two months asking her to send it back. I explained to her that I would have to use a bailiff if she didn’t respond but I didn’t want to because it was humiliating for her. Must have asked her a hundred times. What upset me about this is I loved her so much. I went through hell over the last two years while she ran around with other men blowing hot and cold to me. I deserve this divorce and she knows it. Anybody would think it was me who wanted to split up and have the affair. I don’t understand how somebody who loved me once can treat me so badly and so selfishly. If I can be fair and reasonable after what she has put me through, why can’t she. Even know she is texting me, saying that she knows I am lying and that I have been seeing this girl for months and months. She is so, so weak and childish she is trying constantly to try and transfer her guilt onto me. God, I feel so, so tired. Wish I could lie down on a desert island and sleep for a month. Thanks again everybody, I’ve had some useful tips today.

  7. I feel for you and all the others that have to go through this nightmare. Its particularly upsetting when children are used in this way. Just a thought, what does her b/f think about her behaviour, assuming he knows? Why not divert her texts to his mobile (assuming you have or could get the number) Seriously Gary, it looks as if you’ve had/having a really tough time. Take a break from it all if you possibly can, you deserve it! Take care

  8. Hi everybody thanks so much for all your support. Things took a drastic turn for the worse yesterday evening. She knew I was going to out last night and would be staying away the night. She correctly assumed that I was going to see my new friend. She texted me at about 4 o’clock to say that she was in floods of tears and I had to come and get the children. I said I would not as it was obvious what she was trying to do and she should pull herself together and seek comfort from her boyfriend. I couldn’t believe what happened next. I started get phone calls from my 12 year old son crying his eyes out begging me to come and get them. All three children were crying. I knew she was controlling me but couldn’t believe it was happening. I tried to explain to my son that mummy would be fine she just needed to lie down for a while and that I couldn’t pick them up as I had plans. I have them three nights a week, but never on a Thursday. I have them tonight, Saturday and Sunday night while she goes to stay at her boyfriends. I then started getting text messages from my son, ‘Daddy I love you, why don’t you love us’, ‘I hate you Daddy. Mummy would never put her boyfriend above us. We don’t want to come round anymore’, ‘Why won’t you pick us up Daddy, I know you have a girlfriend’.

    I nearly started crying in the office, I got up and went to pick them up. They were desperate to see me. I took them home and had a long talk to them. My son hadn’t sent those messages, my wife had. I rang her later and told her what she had done was unforgivable. She said it was all my fault and kept going on about what a slag my friend must be. Amazing! Throughout our separation I have been available for reconciliation. She said she wanted to reconcile but knew I was lying about wanting to and would dump her a month later. I desperately wanted it, but not now. She will not let go of me, she is tearing herself in two. She wants her marriage back desperately but is to frightened to do it.
    The result being that she can’t let me go and can’t reconcile either and it’s tearing her apart (and me with it). I see no way of forcing her to let go. She rang me at 4 30 in the morning, crying saying she wanted her family back and yet she cannot do it. Every time I say ok, she backs off and then says I am lying and don’t really want it. Crazy. Her behaviour is becoming more and more bizarre and extreme by the day. All ability to reason has gone now. She screams non-stop for two hours at me, she cannot talk, only scream.

    She was the world’s best mother, yesterday was the first time she involved the kids. I have decided now to keep my friend as a friend and concentrate on being the best father I can. I know it’s not fair on me, I have been very lonely, but I cannot allow this to happen to the kids again. I have offered her all the money if she wants, and have offered to withdraw my divorce petition if she would prefer to divorce me. The more I offer though the crazier she seems to get and all I am trying to do is get us both through this with the minimum of pain and the kids not messed up. Jesus, how do people live like this. I just have to try and calm things down and provide a sanctuary for my children.

    I can guarantee that her boyfriend hasn’t got a clue what she is doing. I know for a fact he would dump her immediately, if he knew half of what was going on. She knows this.

  9. Gary I don’t think you can bend backwards any further for your wife. It’s despicable that she sent you txt messages impersonating your children. Please make sure you tell your children next time you see them that whatever may lie ahead, you will always be there for them and love them to bits, no matter what. At least if things were to turn sour they know deep inside what the truth is. Unless your wife gets her act together she will end up not only without a husband, but in the long term without children, because they will not want a lot to do with her after what she’s putting them through. I’m sure you know that you’re NOT doing anything wrong. You’re a good father and you also deserve a life outside your paternal responsibilities. I wish (and take this as a compliment somehow) I had an ex like you!!! Take care

  10. Gary I really feel for you mate. At least my x2b is so far being reasonable….and I am trying hard even though I know she is lining up a new partner…one who I know has coveted my wife and son for the last five years… sounds to me like she needs help, professional help to deal with her psychological problems…the problem is getting her to realise this and see that it’s the best thing for her, the children, and you. This situation can’t be doing anyone any good! Is there anyone else, say on her family and friends side that you could ally with in trying to make this happen….or would it just upset the apple cart any further (if that were possible) Best of luck…keep faith in yourself

  11. Gary, you need to start moving on….don’t let the friend go, all you can do it constantly reassure your kids and tell them how much you love them, they will grow up one day and realise. try and keep evidence of what she is doing….maybe you could try for custody under child protection? the kids seem to be suffering a form of emotional abuse? Seek help! I don’t think your ex really knows what she wants except to control you….the realization that you are trying to live again has kicked in…she will use the kids to get you on your guilty/emotional side to regain control of your life…you are not alone.


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