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Not Getting Over Her

Hi everyone. My wife of 4 years (together 8) told me just before Christmas that she didn’t love me any more. Out of the blue. I was really devastated for a month or so but then seemed to make progress towards having her out of my head and accepting that i had to go it alone. Since then I’ve had more contact with her, she “wants to be close friends” (cake and eating it i think) and as soon as i agreed to this she became the wonderful person she used to be, but still insistent that she does not love me *enough* to be my wife (basically, because the sexual spark has gone).

I can’t accept this (we married “for better or for worse, did we not, and if I’d been in an accident and become unable to have a physical relationship, would she have divorced me?) and i still love her more than anyone in the world. Since all this has happened I’ve got stuck in the feelings of hurt and betrayal, can’t stop hearing her telling me that she’d never leave me and wanted to spend her life with me. I’m not moving on! Also work is very pressured and it makes me miss even more having someone to just give me a hug when i get home – so much it hurts! Anyway, I think I’m boring my “happily in normal relationships” friends with this now – can anyone help? Need some people to talk to who really know what it feels like. best to you all Malcolm

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6 thoughts on “Not Getting Over Her”

  1. Hi Malcolm. My name is Spencer

    Reading your story is like looking in the mirror, I could have written the script. My wife left me after 16 years together (10 married and 3 kids) 7 months ago and after a lot of fights and verbal abuse on her part, she now wants to be friends but like you it is very difficult because I feel so let down by her. I thought we would spend the rest of our lives together and everything we said and planned keeps coming back to haunt me too.

    I understand how you feel about not having her there. When things go wrong all I want to do is pick up the phone and call her like I always did and now I can’t. It was so re-assuring to know she was there for me and isn’t anymore and that hurts like hell. She’s told me recently that “If I just stop moping over her as she’s not worth it then I will find someone else who will make me happy, I am still handsome and intelligent and anyone would give their right arm to be with me.” Nice of her to say so, isn’t it. If that’s the case why isn’t she here with me. Anyway you are in the right place because these guys are a godsend. I know what you mean about your friends as they just don’t understand, but we do and we are all here for you.

  2. Hello, Malcolm. Welcome!! I can echo Spencer here and say that your story is oh so familiar to us all. I still can’t get my ex out of my head as she hurt me so much, but she’s not constantly in my thoughts anymore so I guess things are getting better for me. I’m not ‘friends’ with her – or rather, she’s not friends with me – as she’s denying my existence. There’s no contact between us except through my solicitor and even then she refers to me as Mr. Smith, not ‘my husband’ or even ‘estranged spouse’. Anyway, do keep reading these comments as personally I have found it of immense help, the ‘guys’ are great people. We are not alone!

  3. I am feeling so much better now that I’ve had no contact with her for a week or so. I wish there was some way of knowing which people are going to ” bail out” like this – I would never, ever have believed it if anyone had told me that my ex was the kind of person who could do this. I was “take it or leave it” about the whole idea of marriage, quite happy just living with her, but she was so keen to get married and talked so passionately about wanting to make a lifetime commitment to me that i couldn’t think of a good reason not to!

    Then four years down the line, she’s decided she doesn’t want me any more. I also feel a bit let down by the rest of the world (including her devoutly religious parents) taking the “oh well it just wasn’t working out so never mind” view – none of them seem to give a damn for the whole marriage thing. This makes me amazed and angry! keep positive – I’m trying!

  4. Hi Malcolm, You seem to be echoing my thoughts exactly. My wife says she still love’s me but ” the spark had gone” and now she is moving in with someone she met 3 months ago! I know I will never move on unless I accept that she is gone forever and I have to get on with it. But as you said, whatever happened to the “for better or worse” She didn’t give us a chance, when the going got a little tough she bailed out. I know that if she could do this to me and our son then she isn’t worth bothering with, but I still love her and it is very hard. I am the last person to tell you how to deal with things, but just try to think of positive aspects of your future, throw some things out from your home that remind you of her.

    Get some new things, pictures for the house, a new coat of paint for a couple of rooms, some new clothes. But most important of all stop being “really good friends” with her. Be civil but just let her see that you are getting on fine without her (even if you aren’t!). I have a beautiful son who I have joint access to, so on the one hand I have a very good reason to keep going. But on the other hand I can’t draw a line under the relationship because I will have to see her every week. Try to get out with your friends, I know you will just not feel like it, but if you make the effort you will at least have an hour or two where your mind is on something else. Which I found impossible sat on my own in the house. Good Luck

  5. Oh boy does this just strike a chord. My bombshell hit me a month ago and she not only ripped my heart out she jumped up and down on it too. Our second anniversary is coming up in 3 weeks and I’m sick just thinking about it now. Ten years altogether and now nothing. I am trying to stop myself from calling her, trying to make her believe I am OK but did a pretty crap job at the weekend. So she stayed, but only (as I found out on Monday) because she couldn’t stay at her friends anymore and was moving into her new flat Tuesday, not because she wanted to be with me.

    This new life that I need to piece together is just a mountain. I try to get out and see people, but it’s too much effort. I hope this gets easier, I get a feeling it’s going to be a long time coming. Comforting to read all the above though.

  6. My name is Peter and I, as do all of us, know exactly what you are going through. My wife left me 7 months ago (2 days before our tenth anniversary) after 16 years together and 3 small children. We are all in the same position and it is so great to be able to talk to someone who is going through and feeling exactly what you are.


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