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Mother Of My Children Has A New Boyfriend

Hi Phoenix Men! My name is Craig, does anyone have any experience in regard to an ex-girlfriend jumping straight into a new relationship the moment that they’ve got rid of their partner? Is it not working out for them? Or was the grass actually greener for them?

My ex-girlfriend waited for about a week after I left, and since then has been finding ways for her new guy to spend time with my kids at the expense of the time I was meant to be with them!

Her new lover waited until I moved out of the family home and then left his wife and his two children, but I’m not sure if he is living in my house as I don’t know what car he drives, so it’s a bit difficult to tell.

According to my ex, he is apparently a “nicer man” than me, which i find a fantastic piece of twisted logic. All I want to do is be with my children, and she calls me a bad father, yet he leaves his children and is somehow a better man than me, that’s according to her anyway!

However, it looks as if she is “serious” about him which is a good thing as i would hate to be going through all this heartache and mental torture for her to be just having a bit of fun, she was kind enough to tell me that she “doesn’t hate me” although I think that she’s got a bit of a strange way of showing it.

Am I being bitter and twisted for hoping that they both fall flat on their faces? I was wondering if anyone else has experienced a similar situation that ended in reconciliation with their ex-partners, and if so how long did it take, and what was your reconciliation process or story?

I need some optimism to get me through the next few weeks, as the thought of my ex with this new guy is pushing me further towards clinical depression. I really hope someone has words of wisdom for me, thanks for listening to my story.

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10 thoughts on “Mother Of My Children Has A New Boyfriend”

  1. Craig, there is no set time limit on this and I think a lot will depend on how long you are willing to keep the light burning in the window for them. It will also depend on how hard you are willing to fight and accept what has happened. If you do get the chance of a reconciliation then you have to overcome the natural feelings of bitterness and lack of trust. Keep posting your thoughts. Fred

  2. Craig. I feel so sad for you. How old are your kids? Small I guess. I cannot understand how people think that they have the right to impose a new love on their children. It is hard enough for them to get to grips with the fact that mum and dad are not together without inflicting anything else on them. Perhaps I am alone in thinking this. I too hope for the reconciliation and I am prepared to wait it out. But in the mean time I’m trying to do some things that I do enjoy and moving away from the dependent phase but making sure I put the kids first. But I guess I am lucky because I do have them and I can’t imagine how I would survive without that certainty.

  3. Craig I am one of the few here who has managed to remain married. The wife asked me for a trial separation about a 18 months ago, followed with I love you and not in love with you, I’m not a nice person, we don’t have much in common. At that it turns out she had more in common with a Harley dude 10 years younger. She was having an affair. We have now patched things up and planning a future. But its very difficult. There’s the trust issue, the memory of the lies, deceit, betrayal, being with another man. Unfortunately it seems we have all the work to do. The wife had her fun and now its a closed book, in the past and easy to move on. My view is very different. But it can be done. We where fortunate in someway we never separated due to finical reason. Neither of us could afford to move out until the house was sold so some ways where forced together. I hope yours works out the way you want but as others state be prepared for a struggle with yourself in dealing with the other man. But it can work. Time is a healer. All the best Pier

  4. Cheers guys, thanks for the advice. Its good to know that things can work out and i needed that kind of inspiration. For someone who is newly in love my wife seems so unhappy right now, so I checked his Facebook page for the OB out of interest. (Ive never met him so any info is of interest) and that was updated Sat 13th Dec to say that he was married with 2 kids. Since this has all been going on from at least Sept and he is supposed to have left his wife for mine I’m now really confused. Why update a page saying that when he is supposed to be in what my wife termed a “serious” relationship, which includes meeting with my kids!! I’m going be really angry if this guy turns out to have been the office shark and has wrecked my family based on the idea of a office conquest and calmly goes back to his wife, leaving a trail of misery behind him. Any advice on how i should approach this would be helpful. A couple of thoughts leapt immediately to mind but they involved the use of a baseball bat, so Ive ignored them in favor of calm mature reflection!!

  5. Craig – you have to forget all about the OB’s motivation – that is a problem with which your wife has to grapple – you have enough emotional burdens of your own to carry without carrying hers. Anything you do against the OB, ( with or without a baseball bat 😉 ) – will drive your wife to defend him – she will see you attacking him as you attacking her decision, and she will defend herself. This will not get you closer to your goal. Switch your mindset from being the jealous embittered dumped ex to being your wifes new best friend. Be outwardly cheerful and focused on your own life. Be a person she might freely choose to be with. When OB see’s you and wife getting along so cordially he may even make the mistake of being jealous himself. Be ready in case your wife starts to feel guilty- any hint of anger from you, any possible reason for her to dislike you will let her transfer that guilt to you.

    Don’t give her an easy way out. If she has to confront that guilt within the context of her relationship with OB it will put a strain on it that it is probably not ready to withstand. Be ready for a twisted and negative version of your joint history from your wife – don’t rise to it! – Let all she says about the past go by without comment, stay focused on the future, on sorting out the kids future, on finance, and practicalities. Specifically why did you leave, you are still entitled to live in the FMH unless a court says otherwise. Tough it out, go back, let her move out if she wants to, otherwise you have to be brave and live with a stranger under the same roof – you are letting her off with too few changes to adjust to, and you are doing all the work. You don’t say much about your family situation or whether it would be possible for you to be “Mr mom”. The DB stuff does NOT say you have to be a doormat, and you will need to start putting yourself first ( yes even before the kids a bit ) otherwise you will be shafted, and possibly replaced as a Dad in the long run, so coping with some unpleasant “”strained atmosphere” ( by forcing yourself to be outwardly calm relaxed and cheerful !!! ) will be worth it in the end by giving you a better chance of getting the outcome you want. You need as many chances of day to day interaction as possible with your wife ( and as a consequence, as few as possible for OB ). Mentally prepare yourself for a long hard struggle – but the one who stays steadfast to their objective will get there in the end, of that I am sure. Good luck.

  6. Thanks Guys, I have been staying out of the way of the ex as much as possible, mainly due to the anger i feel about her and this other guy. But as you rightly point out displaying that is just going to push her closer to him, so when i do see her i try not to mention him or make reference to him, but its difficult. I left the FMH after an argument that involved my Father in Law who called the police and basically got me arrested and evicted in one go. Its too much to go into, but i didn’t cover myself in glory and completely lost the plot for a bit. Needless to say I’m ashamed of myself about this, although i should say that i wasn’t physically violent, more loudly verbally abusive.

    I ended up getting a flat as it was made clear by my wife and the in laws that i wasn’t welcome at home. My mother in law going so far as to say that the Children were only really happy when i wasn’t about. My MIL basically dominates everything re the kids, who love her to bits, so i figured that id go to make things as easy on them as possible, plus i received and stupidly followed some really rubbish advice, by a man who had an opinion on everything but actually turned out to know nothing.. Still i followed it so the fault is mine!!.

    If id known about this site and where the law stood on my name being on the deeds i would have followed a different course of action. But 20/20 hindsight isn’t any good and i have to deal with the situation I’m in. Getting back in the FMH would involve breaking in and i really don’t want to get into a huge argument with the ex about living there. I’m OK in the flat, and I’m not really bothered re the split of assets as i only need enough to get back on the property ladder again and i think that getting that shouldn’t be too much of an issue.

    And its only money, you cant take it with you! I’m more interested in the kids welfare. I was being a bit of a doormat to start with, but have started to take control a bit more now. The twisted version of our life was something that i was getting in the month leading up to the split, so I’m fairly used to being told all the things that i failed to do as a father, along with loads of other stuff that to a certain extent might be right, but as usual with this kind of thing, only partially represents the situation. If I’m guessing right, and that’s all it is, i think the OB might have gone a bit cold on my ex. I am bitter about what she did, but obviously i still have deep feelings for her, and would hate to see her mucked around, as much because of the kids as because of her, they are only 9 and 4 and probably as confused about things as they will ever be.

    At the same time another part of me at the thinks that if this big love of hers goes belly up she deserves everything that she gets..I know that probably sounds confusing, but that is where my head is at, at the moment anyway. During the split i said and told her things that i never should of out of anger and frustration and she still says she doesn’t hate me so who knows maybe there is still hope.

  7. Craig – you are entering an area that is a bit beyond my own experience ( my position is a bit different to yours…). It seems to me that you have to become schizophrenic – on the one hand work on yourself, leave the door open for reconciliation if OB affair goes belly up, yet at the same time protect yourself for a divorced future that gives you what YOU want – and I’m talking about the kids here. From what I’ve read on here ( so beware my advice.. caveat lector… ) you will probably be well advised to formalise some contact arrangements ASAP, otherwise you will continue to get mucked around by yr Ex trying to pull the OB into a “happy families” scene with YOUR children, and your In-Laws will continue their interference. I believe that if you can get a voluntary agreement with your ex you can have that sealed by a court and it becomes binding – not that the courts seem to help much with enforcement, but the status quo you establish NOW re contact may become important down the line if you end up divorcing and it gets nasty, since ( again, …caveat lector… based on what I’ve read here…) it seems Courts are reluctant to disturb established patterns of contact if they seem to be working OK for the kids. Same goes for any financial settlement. Maybe someone else on this site can give you more first hand advice, or maybe you could post a more specific question. You may also be well advised to get some legal advice – And finally you’re right there’s always hope. Its too easy to get caught up in all the divorce oriented work you have to do to protect your future position, and get locked in a mindset of “I am going to be divorced” – which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Its never over until you give up hope, but don’t become a slave to hope. Work out what YOU want, then refine that until its a practical goal and then execute on a strategy to get that.

  8. Regards the other man its very difficult to deal with. There is not a day goes by when I don’t think of what has happened and the OM. It seems once you relax it floods back. I have spent ages researching the OM, dreaming of the revenge, baseball bats etc…… it does no good ! But I still do it. I think its only natural that you do this, why wouldn’t you be obsessed with OM after all he stole your wife and part of your soul. (Know your enemy …. ?) My marriage is working, we are good friends, but it’s not easy for me at times. Something was taken away from me, or died in me during the affair. When you get back together a whole new battle starts with your self. Don’t let this put you off, it does happen, many marriages recover from affairs and go on to be something better and this is what I’m aiming for. We are still together I love her and she loves me, she tells me this all the time. Its possible that your wife has discovered that the grass is not greener on the other side. Very rarely do affairs work out to a long-term relationship. If you think about it, its foundation is based on lies. They lie to their respective partners, creating false alibis, so they can meet. When they are out they compare the stories they told, its part of the excitement. They now also know that their new “partner” can be a convincing lair. The whole buzz of affairs is the excitement, doing something your not supposed to be doing, nearly getting caught etc. When its out in the open that part of it is gone. Also there is a difference to men and women, women want attention and fall in love, men like a bit on the side and promise the world to get it. ( I know its not fair to generalise but … ) I really hope it works for you.

  9. Craig, I can back up everything mentioned. I was ready for the divorce and felt totally prepared to accept that. I had tried my best but she wasn’t coming back. When we did get back together it was like an initial honeymoon period. Lots of tears, lots of sorry’s, a lot of talking and loads of promises. Then, as the honeymoon period started to die down I was suddenly over taken by feelings I had no control over, hatred, anger, betrayal. The list seemed endless. Thoughts of what she had put me through were ringing around my head, all those lies, all the time she was with him and not me. I was suddenly faced with a battle that I was not prepared for and didn’t know how to handle it. Easy to blame the OM and vent your anger and frustration towards him (however…he didn’t force her by gun point…she was the willing participant in the affair!). It is a battle with your inner self…you are taking on all your natural defense mechanisms that you have little control over how can you trust her again. Every time you have an argument then you want to throw the affair right back in her face. The problem is you cannot change what has happened so you have to decide whether you are going to let the past ruin your future. Some can cope with this kind of thing and others let it eat away at them and slowly destroy the relationship. I really hope it works for you.

  10. Anyway I too live in hope of getting it back together and I’m not sure its healthy but then what else do you do”. You fight for want you want, if you don’t then you can’t win, if you try then you at least have a chance however slight that may be! My advice is to read the replies and then decide what you want.


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