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Miscarriage Has Destroyed Us – Divorce Looks Likely

My Story – By Andrew:

I used to think love, companionship, great sex and a litany of other things the love gurus talked about was all that was needed to make a marriage work. When my wife and I were courting we had all types of discussions that couples had and one of the things we agreed on was childbearing and the number of children we were going to have. We were both excited about the prospect of having kids of our own. But life threw us a curve ball and our plans came to naught.

Seven years went by and we were still yet to have a child. I was so worried about not having our own kids, so I brought up the idea of adoption but she was not in support of it. Not that she had a thing against adoption but she preferred to birth her own kids.

After a lot of trials and following instructions of the gynecologist to the letter, she got pregnant and I was over the moon about it. For her, it was as if she had finally achieved what she was looking for. She was always busy trying to find ways to protect the baby. She even quit her job because the doctor advised her not to go through a lot of stress because of how delicate her condition was. All she did during that period was to stay healthy and prepare for the baby.

We held a baby shower with our friends in attendance and it was a memorable event. But two days after the event, in what would later become the saddest day of my life, I heard a scream from the kitchen. In my state of panic, I dashed to where my wife was and I saw blood running down her thighs. On seeing this, I kept thinking of scenarios that could squelch our fears but it was confirmed she had a miscarriage at the hospital. Things were never the same since then. She became depressed and no matter how I tried to cheer her up, it never worked out. The only thing she was interested in was sex. At first, I was not complaining about it but after a while, I discovered that she just wanted to have sex just to get pregnant. I felt used, sex became routine and mundane, it was difficult to muster any shred of excitement and pleasure during sex.

Every month she had her period, she plunged into an endless melancholy and I didn’t know how to bring her into the swim of things. I suggested visiting a shrink but she always claimed that she was fine. At times she sits in the baby’s room crying at night, clutching the baby clothes and blaming herself for the miscarriage. I got fed up and assumed if I removed all the baby stuff from the house, she would feel better or forget about it and move on. It was my biggest mistake because she became worse.

As the days passed by, her obsession with getting pregnant got stronger. She began to think she suffered from a condition that not only eluded our doctors, but also hobbled her from carrying a baby to term. She started feeling low about herself and would compare herself with other mothers who were with kids or pregnant. She would stare at the mirror at times rubbing her stomach with a sad look on her face. It broke my heart every time I saw her this way.

I felt like I had failed her as a husband and her sullen moods drove a wedge between us. I started getting attention from other people at work until a night I had a one-time affair with a co-worker. It was casual sex with her as she was having issues with her marriage too. We both concluded that what we did was wrong and we had to stop to have any hope of saving our marriages.

I couldn’t tell my wife what I did because I knew it was going to break her but I swore to myself that I would never cheat again. We tried to resolve things back to the way they were and she seemed to open up and be her cheerful self until her period triggered another downward spiral, only this time, she started hurting herself. She is in a hospital now and I hope that she gets better and comes back home. Every time I visited her at the hospital, she threw a fit at the sight of me. It took restraints and sedatives to subdue her. The doctors had to recommend I stopped seeing her altogether. I miss my once loving and beatific wife, I still pine for her love and touch, but I don’t know if I can wait any longer.

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3 thoughts on “Miscarriage Has Destroyed Us – Divorce Looks Likely”

  1. Hi Andrew, I think that you have been through a lot and you must remember that you are a man and we men are better at dealing with our emotions than the ladies. At the stage that you guys are, I believe that it is high time that you guys seek a professional help. Visiting a shrink is the only way that you can help your wife if you do not want the situation to deteriorate the more. I will also want you to advise your wife to go back to work. I believe that the distraction might be good for her. I think there is still a long way to go before you give up on the relationship. Your wife needs you, stop avoiding the house, spend more time with her and take her out with you whenever you are chanced. Remind her of all the reasons she agreed to marry you in the first place.

  2. I cannot begin to tell you that I can totally relate with what is wrong with you. That will not only be totally wrong of me to say, it will also be insensitive of me. What you are going through is a big deal and it involves a lot of pressure. I sincerely commend you for your persistence towards trying to make your marriage work. I think now is not the time to beat yourself up about what is going on. You have being strong for too long and I think you need to offload some of that baggage. You don’t carry the weight of the world and try to carry others. Do you have a good friend? Maybe a father or just someone you can relate with? You may not want to see a professional but I think you need to let it out man! Now is the time that your wife needs you. You cannot waiver now. I’m glad we have a platform here where we can support ourselves in matters as delicate as this. Remember, you do not need the negative energy for yourself.

  3. Man! That’s some deep pickle that you are in. I think you need to give your wife the time to fully recover on her own emotionally and maybe work on her self esteem. My wife has these ladies book club thing she does with few of her friends and that has helped her tremendously even in the way she now feels about herself. You need to allow her to heal herself from the emotional blame she puts herself in. You can do that by letting her know that you are there for her while giving her all the support she needs at the same time maintaining your distance from her to discover herself. I fear if she doesn’t go through this stage alone (with your help of course) she may not be able to recover from it. This is an age of technology, have you guys heard of Invitro Fertilization (IVF)? You guys can try that. Speak with your doctors about it. I wish you guys all the best.


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