I used to belong to a local band in Austin. Though we weren’t exactly popular across the state, we still had a good fan base (well the band did) and our gigs did pay our bills and more. For someone who lives the life of the party, you would think it would be all smiles for me but sadly it just isn’t. At first, it was thrilling as we gained grounds as a band, but after a while it all just became exhausting. After the shows, and the crowd noises had settled, it always felt like there wasn’t much to my existence when I’m not performing. Because, when I’m not behind the drum, my life is one sad and lonely one.
After my girlfriend dumped me for someone in a more stable profession, I realized that I had no real friends. My band members were a knitted group of friends before I joined them. They were missing a drummer, and it’s more like they hired my services than me being part of the group. So I was like the new folk that was trying to blend in. Even amidst fans, I felt alone because none of them knew me on a personal level. They were mostly a bunch of opportunists looking to gain from me.
When back to my apartment, I felt really sad and I console myself with alcohol and antidepressants that makes me sleep. Over time, my emotions and the excessive alcohol intake started affecting my performance and commitment as I missed quite a number of rehearsals or wasn’t just performing well at the shows. Well, it wasn’t surprising that they replaced me, but I still feel bitter about it. It’s almost as if they didn’t care about what was happening in my life.
Now I’m in the unemployment line, feeding from hand to mouth and struggling to break even. To make things worse, the little savings I had, I squandered it on gambling. I just feel terrible and mad at myself. Was it wrong to give into my emotions? Thank you in advance, Jimmy.
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