My Loneliness Story – By Andrew Boyd:
The journey of being happy to being depressed is always gradual and progressive and makes you wonder why couldn’t I have done something about it? But truly life is difficult and gets us all at some point. At times people look at you and wonder why your life is so miserable without realizing that they’re just the lucky ones. Some of us really have it bad and our current depressed state is as a result of several unfortunate turn of events. The vicissitude of life they call it.
It’s really fair to say life has been unkind to me. I used to have a huge family, now the little family I have left pretty much do their own thing and I have no contact with them. At times I just wonder what the problem is. It’s almost as if the word “family” holds no significance or is it civilization that made us self reliant individuals that don’t care about anybody? And as if been neglected by my family is not enough, the few friends I used to have moved away and stopped keeping in touch.
Since it was obvious that everyone was moving on with their life, I decided to move on with mine. I made my work my life and concentrated so much on it. Got commendations, got promotions too as well. But all these were not enough because like they say at the end you can’t snuggle up to your career. So my routine was keeping a cool head at work and coming home to break down and over think things.
Like a glimmer of hope, Maggie my childhood friend got a job as an intern at my firm. Maggie is an 8 and she’s not the type to be interested in a kind of guy like me. So I planned from the start to just enjoy the friendship. We went for lunch together, hanged out and there were times I drove her home or for shopping. Our friendship got so intense that I was so sure she was interested in me. So one time we were alone together and I tried to kiss her. She was shocked and looked at me like I had committed a huge crime. I tried to find words to tell her I really liked her, but in the end she turned my offer down. She told me she was sorry for leading me on with all the looks she gave me and how she acted around me. She said even though she likes me and feels like I’m a good guy, she couldn’t date me because she was invested in a 5 year relationship and although she was experiencing several issues in the relationship, she planned on sticking to him.
I was heartbroken when it became clear that she used me to keep herself happy when things were rough with her boyfriend. Several times she came to the office with teary eyes, having cried herself to sleep the previous night because of a fight with her boyfriend. This further puts me in a bad state because it makes me wonder if I’m so bad that she would choose an abusive guy over me.
Eventually her internship ended, she moved on and stopped keeping in touch. My life went back to the previous boring and miserable state, but what this more disheartening was that I knew happiness for a short while and it blew up in my face. So when you can’t win, you just give up. Now, I am often depressed but have never considered hurting myself. God gave me life and it’s his decision to end it. I guess I will have to live as well as I can but I hate my life.
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