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I Am Unhappy In My Marriage – I Want A Divorce

I have been unhappy in my marriage for several years and have held on with things until now, however am planning to end the relationship shortly. My Wife knows that I have not been happy but has always carried on regardless avoiding and ignoring any attempts I have made to discuss my feelings.

I finally grasped the nettle and told my Wife I did not think we had a future together and she also shortly after she also found a private journal that I had been writing so she was left in no doubt as to the strength of my feelings. She has responded by refusing to eat and begging me to stay and give things another try, she keeps going over things in her mind and obviously see’s things from a different perspective entirely.

She has started to do all of the cooking and cleaning stopped complaining and in short is bending over backwards to please me, but at the same time threatened to make my life difficult if I did go. (I think this is probably a natural defensive reaction) However despite this I still do not feel that she is the person that I want to spend my life with and want to end things. Has anyone got any advice as to how I can lessen the hurt and the practicalities about leaving the home? Thank you Colin.

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7 thoughts on “I Am Unhappy In My Marriage – I Want A Divorce

  1. If there is any chance for you to patch things together and give it another shot then you should definitely do it. Divorce is a truly devastating thing and you should not drift into it. Read the stories here for 20 mins and you will see how much pain and hurt this process generates. If you do choose to proceed, there is no real way to reduce the hurt – everybody deals with this in their own way and in their own time. The way can be eased slightly by keeping as amicable as possible and to discuss and agree as much regarding finances and other practicalities before hand.

  2. I was in your wife’s position a short time ago. Let me tell you that it is devastating to realise that your partners feelings have got this far. I also bent over backwards to try to please my wife but to no avail. Her mind was made up and no matter what I said or what I did made no difference. I blame myself. Why had I not seen the signs earlier, why did I not talk to her about her behavior towards me, about my feelings. Your wife must have known that things were not right between you. It is not until things get this far that you both need to sit down and talk honestly about your life together. Do you want your marriage to work? If you do then it really is important that you talk about this. Your wife is scared, as I was. We all know that relationships go through stages, some good, some bad. It is how you handle the bad that is important. If you love her tell her and she I am sure loves you and wants your marriage to carry on.

    Give her a chance, but don’t leave it all up to her. I was not given the chance to show how much I loved my wife. She was unhappy for a long time, I did not know, she never told me, I should have realised I know but we all hope things will work out in the end. Please give her the opportunity to show she loves you and if you love her it is worth so much. My wife left 8 months ago and I still cannot get over it. I wanted to work things out between us, we had been together 18 years. I loved her but sometimes did not show it as she didn’t. But divorce or separation is just the beginning of a very bumpy road. Think hard before you make that decision. Take care.

  3. Firstly, I would ask yourself what you think your life will be like if you and your wife split up. Just because you are unhappy married to her, it doesn’t automatically mean that you will be happy if you end the relationship. Ask yourself what your life will be like if you spend the rest of it without a partner because you never meet anyone else who is special. Think about why you married this woman and how you felt about her in the past. Have your feelings changed so much or has she changed so much that you are willing to cause her enormous pain? I think there are ways to reduce the hurt. If you do leave, I would say from my own experience that you should take things slowly. Don’t rush into divorce. Separate your finances to protect yourself against her running up future debts in joint names. Don’t get involved in a new relationship for a long while, not until you have finalised the divorce and financial arrangements.

    Be as amicable as possible and be prepared to bend a little on issues where you can’t both agree. But don’t be dishonest about how you feel, e.g. claiming you are not sure about this if you are sure, which leaves your partner hanging on. Don’t tell her what all her faults are. Just tell her enough to explain your wanting to end it. You’ll be trampling on her self-esteem enough just by leaving. My ex increased the hurt she caused me by having an affair when she wanted to leave me, instead of just leaving, by wanting to be honest once she’d admitted the affair, so she told me a lot about their relationship and also about a previous fling that I knew nothing about before, and also by avoiding admitting she was sure, as a way of lessening the hurt, so she thought, but it actually just made it worse and it took me about 9 months to realise that I had to ignore what she said and go by what she did, because I was thinking of the situation as will-we-won’t-we get back together whilst she probably made her mind up for good when she left me. But honestly, having been in your wife’s position myself, I would say don’t do it.

  4. FIRST OF ALL BE HONEST. My wife has just left me stating that there is nothing left anymore. he problem is i know that there is another man in the frame. For me, if she is honest to me then i will be able to get over this a lot quicker and get on with my life. If she can be honest then i can start rebuilding my life. If there is no one else in your relationship then i would urge you to try everything you can to avoid ending it.

    If only me and my wife had talked more or argued more then i probably would not be leaving messages on this page. Your life may not be better without her, i have honestly thought about leaving in the past when things were not right but now she has gone i realise just how much i need her and want to be with her. Do not rush into anything and make sure there is nothing else you can do before you leave.

  5. Like the others I would suggest you really think hard before you make a move and if you have made up your mind then act on it. I think you have been telling her for quiet some time how you feel but not acting on it. This is very stressful for both of you because she is going to feel like she is walking on eggshell and if she steps out of line then you will leave. I was in you situation for a long time staying for the sake of it and not having the courage to get out now that I am out of it and look back I am glad that I made that move. Life is short maybe if you moved out for a while and see do you miss her and the life you had rather than just telling her its over completely at least then you will still be open to communicating with each other and be able to see and discuss how you both fee. You have a really tough decision to make so be wise. Good luck

  6. For what it’s worth, I offer my own experience. My now ex walked out 5 years ago, saying she didn’t love me anymore and our marriage was over. Like your wife, I wanted so desperately for things to work out. We reconciled and for a while, things were better. The problem was, she had already moved so far away from me and our relationship in her mind, that despite realising she had made a mistake and did love me, we never learned how to really communicate and have a chance at avoiding all the stuff that led to her walking out in the first place. We are now divorcing. It is even more painful the second time round because I can’t escape from my contribution to the demise of our marriage. In my opinion, staying or going are equally hard at this point. If you stay, go to counseling, work on it, whatever -happens if you get to the point you want out again? or she does? If you go, will you always wonder ‘could it have worked’? Relationships are always so much more complicated than they appear from the outside. No one can judge what is right or best for you and your wife. Feelings on both sides are running high right now – not the best time to make big decisions. Perhaps separating for a while would give each of you a chance to really think through what you want and how committed you are to making things work (if that is an option). Let us know how you are getting on. Take care

  7. Has anyone got any advice as to how I can lessen the hurt? You have to realise that there isn’t a way to lessen the hurt but if you prevaricate too much you will prolong it. All the time you stay your wife will be thinking there is still hope and she will be desperately clinging to that at the moment. If your mind is really made up you are doing your wife no favours by hanging around. That doesn’t mean you have to be nasty about how you separate but be aware that unless you are absolutely clear about your intentions she will misinterpret things to suit her own view on how this will turn out and she will continue to think you will change your mind. Those of us who have been in your wife’s position, know all about the desperate pleading, expressions of undying love, saying that things can be good between you again. But it takes full commitment from both parties to really make a marriage work and if you genuinely cannot offer that then just be as gentle and compassionate as you can be during the difficult times ahead. I wish you both well. Smiler

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