My Loneliness Story – By Kenny:
There’s always a downside to everything in life, and I think my timid and introverted nature has cost me a lot. I guess sometimes, a parent’s overwhelming love might cost the kid a lot. I was the only child of a single mother, and she smothered me too much that I never saw the need of socialising. Thus, having a sheltered childhood stamped my faith as a loner for the biggest part of my life. As a child, I was extremely shy and never really bonded with anyone. Every person I tried to befriend ended up dominating the relationship.
When I started school, I was quickly turned into a target for the rest of the children. They formed groups of friends, I was however always alone. So after a while some of the more sinister kids started acting violently towards me. They threw me into thorns, gripped me in arm locks and shoved me into the brick walls and also stole a lot of my possessions.
I was an outcast and I belonged to the category of uncool people. No one ever wants to make friends with the dorky kid that will ruin your cool reputation. This made it hard for me to get any friends at all. Eventually I found other outcasts who I befriended, and we would go hide away from the playgrounds, most of the time we made paper-airplanes to amuse ourselves. Anything we did only got us more ridicule from the “cool kids”. Midway into junior high school, my mum got married, and I had two-step brothers. At least life was fun while the marriage lasted.
It wasn’t until puberty hit that I realized that growing up with male siblings had a negative impact on my life. Although they had my back and ensured that all the bullying stopped, I became clueless when it came to relating with women. My perception of women was that they were these magical creatures that required special techniques to get them to love you. Even the not so good-looking girls got me intimidated. One time I was so infatuated with a girl, that I texted her 3 times a day, saw her every day, only to have her embarrass me when I had the courage to ask her out. I had it bad with girls; from being friend-zoned to being used and exploited, I made up my mind I wasn’t going to try again. Thus, I never had a girlfriend.
Then like a light bulb, it occurred to me that if I can’t have a girlfriend, I can as well satisfy my sexual needs by investing in porn. At first, it was great; I mean, not many differences are there? So I masturbated like 10 times in a day. But the thing with masturbation is that it has some levels to it. The more I watched, the more I got addicted and craved for new unethical materials. Eventually my mum caught me in the act, saw my disturbing sex videos, and made sure I joined a support group that ended up helping me.
Having masturbated most of my life away, it was no surprise I failed out of college. So I got a dead end job and I still got picked on by other staffs. I feel really lonely, and I never have the strength for outdoor activities. It’s almost like I’m plagued with fatigue.
On days when I don’t go to work, I would sit for days just staring into the walls in my bedroom, the only other things I did were immediate needs such as eating and other things needed to get through life. I hardly ever sleep; at most I sleep 3 hours a night, even though I popped too many antidepressants in my mouth. This made me extremely paranoid around people in general. With few not so close friends and next to zero people skills, I am always clueless in social gatherings.
I am sad and lonely. I feel within me an endless ocean of regret for all the missed opportunities. I miss the few friends I had. The utter hopelessness of it all feels like a brick wall on my shoulders. I am alone, always alone. I’m alive, but no one cares.
Recently, taking my life seemed like a good idea, but I guess I don’t have the balls for it. How broken my mother would have become if I hurt myself was enough reason to stop giving it a thought. So now I just get through life, go to work and keep my happy mask on. But deep inside I’m empty. My biggest fear is that I will die alone without ever experiencing happiness and love.
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