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How To Heal A Broken Heart From Cheating

Hi I’m slowly but surely going down hill fast. My ex to be has been having an affair with my cousin whilst we have been separated & I’ve been living at my Aunts (The mother of the man she is having the affair with). I’m really down & want to know when it all gets better? I’ve had my children at my Aunts house following school which was great. The ex picked them up & I can not help but look at her as the ‘person’ who has ruined my family. The thing is I hate her with a passion & I want untold pain & misery served on her, both physical & mental. Then she leaves with them & I can’t help myself even now being in love with her.

I miss her so much I cry myself to sleep every night. I am totally confused & weak. Why do I feel this way & as I asked before when does it get better. I type this at the beginning of another night on my own. I miss my family so much. So please when does it get better? I’m on the old anti-depressants given to me by my doctor a good while ago. I’m just glad I’m taking them cause I hate to think how I would be otherwise. I go to work every day giving it the Big Man stuff to my work mates, whilst totally knotted up inside. I’m sorry for boring you all, but I have found posting on here & the replies being nothing but uplifting. When does it get better? Adam

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14 thoughts on “How To Heal A Broken Heart From Cheating”

  1. Hi Adam Firstly of course you have my sympathy completely for your situation, it must be so hard for you. I know the pain you are going through, and it always seems patronising to tell someone that time heals etc, but its true. I thought the horrendous pain in my chest would never go, then about 5 mths after my ex left I woke up one morning and something was missing and it took me most of the day to realise that it was the pain in my chest. It comes back, the stress of divorce tends to dig up these feelings again and again. But it does get better. I am more than 3 yrs down the line and I still can’t look at my ex without wishing her dead for ruining mine and my children’s lives, but I have definitely moved on and come out the other side. I will tell you that what helped me considerably was going to counselling, just to have someone to talk to who doesn’t judge you and is always on your side is an enormous help. If you go back to your GP they can refer you (there will be a waiting list though). You are not being weak in any way, you are being human, what you have been through is akin to a bereavement, but there is no-one to put to rest because they are still alive and you still have to come into contact with them which makes the healing process more difficult; but you WILL heal. Are you able to talk to your Aunt? I would definitely consider counselling though. Good luck and take care.

  2. Adam, At the moment there is nothing that anyone can say to make it better for you. Its a horrible feeling and lots of people on this site will have been/are where you are now. Which is why the advice you get here is so good. The “Good news” is that the feelings you have at the moment WILL lessen!! I don’t know your story but from what you’ve written Im guessing its early days? At the moment try and deal with each day as it comes, i hope that doesn’t sound too simplistic, but i found that when i did that i could deal with things more easily. As someone said to me “try and live in the day!” You do have a really big positive coming out of your post and that’s the fact that you are dealing with work. It doesn’t matter how you do it, dealing with that side of life is a big plus and shows that you have a reserve of strength. All i can say from experience is that it will get better… All the best Crunch

  3. Adam, I cant add much to the other replies but feel for you as you are going through the same feelings I went through when my wife left for a workmate at Easter. I too hated her for ruining my dreams and my children’s future with him but at the same time loved her and just wanted her back but, and this was what helped me I wanted the old woman back but she had gone and a stranger had taken her place she seemed to have had a personality change and she was not someone I recognised.

    I am beginning to feel stronger now and the pain has subsided but I continue to dislike her a great deal so I know its not over yet for me but its a damm sight more easy to manage. You will get through this Adam and as the others have said its likened to a bereavement but they are not dead and in many ways this is worse as you can see them moving on while you have all this hurt and bewilderment around you. You will move on eventually Adam councelling may also help as it does give you a sounding post who is there for you and you alone. Be prepared to be on a roller coaster of emotions at first, that’s normal and will settle down. It may also be that her relationship will not work out and she will want to return but try not to dwell on this as there is nothing you can do to force this and could you trust her again? You may think you can at present but give yourself time, and don’t do anything rash. You take care Adam I am sure the rest of the Phoenix Men and I send our best wishes.

  4. Thanks you guys I really appreciate the replies. This is a good site for advice & that’s why I like to post here. Its not patronising to say ‘it gets better with time’, but I wish I had a pound for everyone who has said it!! I’ve spoken to my Auntie & he is her son. I am now I’m worried she has been put in an difficult situation. She says not & she is happy for me to stay. Gosh I just don’t know about anything any more. I have had counselling before & if I’m honest I wasn’t!! I kept so much back even from a complete stranger & professional!! I am trying to live in the day, & I do seem to get through, but night times are so very hard. I want 2 years of my life to jump forward & everything to be rosy. This I know it will never be, but I can ‘live in the day’. This is a great place for me to get a lot off my chest & thanks to you all. Cheers Adam

  5. Adam, your pain will definitely lessen with time. I too thought people were being patronising but they were right. You will wake up one morning and realise that you have not woken up with that awful feeling coming over you. I don’t know when this happens but it does. Believe me, you will get there. With the love of friends and family and possibly a good counsellor you will find peace of mind in the future. Yes, the divorce will bring the pain to the surface but you will find that as quickly as it will deflate again…that is when you know you are in the process of healing. I am 1 year down the line and it has got a lot easier. I know longer care what she is doing. It is not relevant to my happiness. I hope you will find happiness soon John. Take care of yourself. Alex

  6. Adam, I found it good to go out and do the things that you have always wanted to do but were never able to, perhaps because your wife would have disapproved, or the kids prevented it. That way you may find that your ‘new’ life isn’t as bad as it seems. Time is a healer does sound patronising, and I know I hated it being said to me but people are trying to help you and make you feel better, because they like you. Go and see a councellor and try being open this time. It opened my eyes to what a crap existence I had been living for 20 years. I can laugh about it now but I felt suicidal at the time.

  7. Adam, am with the Phoenix Men on this one. I felt absolutely horrible. Before the split my ex said I was anti-social… so I decided to prove her wrong. So everyday I went down the street, I smiled at all that I met… I have made so many friends because of that. Draw up a list of things you would like to do and one by one cross them off. Look at yourself and ask if there is anything you would like to change, if so – try to. Mine is to learn how to relax. So shortly, I’ll be taking relaxation classes. From my initial despair I have gone into thanking my ex for allowing me to develop as the person I could never be whilst I was with her. Now I find that no way in hell do I ever want her back and am happy being me. Take Care

  8. Once again I thank you all for your advice & support. I didn’t sleep very well again last night, but I’m out with my mates later tonight which I’m really looking forward to. I am sure it will get better & as I said sometimes I am complete focused & know where I want to be, but I can’t help but being down sometimes especially at night. I will see her again tonight & I want to rise above the pain & anger I feel for her. She deserves everything she gets in life!!! I will also see my kids which I look forward to every Thursday & Friday. Once again thanks, I’m sure I can get through this. Cheers Adam

  9. Hi Adam No, you’re not boring, or weak – its hard. I echo the sentiments above. Go for walks, see your friends, take up a hobby, basically do anything that makes you feel better that doesn’t do you harm! There were times I thought my life might as well be over, when I woke up feeling awful every day, but gradually I noticed things that made me feel happy – even just small things, laughing with the kids, a nice sunset. You think you will never feel better but you will. I’ve certainly changed, and the anger and sadness is still about, but its like grief – gradually you feel that way less often. Take care

  10. Adam Like so many others here I have been there and it is so bloody difficult ! I think at the time you do get so much good advice but it tends to go in one ear and out the other because of the conflicting emotional pain. At that time I just seemed to spiral down the endless tunnel with no light at the end, each time I thought I was at the bottom I fell further. Recovery is a very slow process but it’s a process that does work and it DOES GET BETTER. I think there’s no easy way but to go through the “Cold Turkey” and you do come out the other side a stronger person. It does tend to build character would you believe. I was told the opposite of Love is not hate, its indifference and that is so true for me now. Its very easy to fall into victim mode and this hate feeling really is self destructive. I was told only a few days ago “Plan Revenge and dig two graves”. That is so true ! I can recognise that now. Somehow you have to get out of this mode, which is the real battle because its totally natural. Of course you’ve deeply hurt and, why shouldn’t you be angry and bitter and vengeful and … and .. and, and, and, Its Natural ! You have every right ! (You also have the right or choice not to be).

    Some where along the line I recognised my Wife is grown woman, I don’t own her, I cant control her, If she decides to do A,B & C then there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I no longer have influence there. The only thing I can really do is look after me. And it was at this point the spiral downwards stopped. Everyone is individual, but be rest assured your day will come and it will turn around and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Remember, YOUR TURNING POINT WILL COME there is no question in that. Just very slowly chip away at it, try to ignore whats going on your wife’s life. Find distractions. Don’t take on to much and don’t try block out the wife totally, quick fixes don’t work. Chip around the edges. We have selective memory so use it, practice ignoring the “silly things” Micro steps to start with and before you realise it the bigger picture falls into place. If you want to cry, Cry, We Men don’t have to be macho all the time and actually women like men who show emotion. 🙂 I found out after many years of marriage I could Cry and boy did I cry. Go for long walks and let it out I agree 100% with the other Phoenix Men, I’m now also developing as a person and finding out who I really am.

  11. I wonder whether you should consider moving out of your aunt’s home? It seems to me that you are going to find the whole situation very difficult to forget if you are living with the mother of your wife’s new lover. Maybe,if you can afford it, you should start the healing process by making a clean break and getting your own place or moving in with someone else…a friend maybe?

  12. Thanks again. Great advice. The revenge quote has hit me right between the eyes. I will definitely be using that. The thought of them together is the worse thing, it totally takes over me & builds me up to boiling point, but I will as you say try to block it out. God I want the light at the end of this tunnel to appear. My main problem & my Mom keeps telling me off for it, I do worry what other people are feeling & think. I do put myself second, mainly for my children but friends, family even the X. The problem with living with my Aunties is soon to be cleared up, as (God bless her) she has said she will move out & stay with her friends whilst I can rent her property at a very reasonable rate, make the house mine for the children & myself. She is Golden, I’m sure she might feel a bit of guilt for what her son has done which once again makes me worry about her. Oh what a nightmare. I plan to have good weekend so I hope this will help. It’s the going back to an empty house, after a good night out that gets me down. I will be trying my best to move & develop as a person, but with the divorce & dividing of the assets to come, I see nothing but dread ahead for me. Thanks again you don’t know how much it means to me that you all have taken the time. Cheers. Adam

  13. Adam Know were your coming from, 18 months ago I was dreading the future as well with all the pending Divorce stuff. What kept be going was I always had it in the back of my mind, “My turn will come” I dont mean revenge, or a new relationship it was regard to life in general, it will get better and I will be happy again. And it has worked out good, I’m alone, at times a bit lonely but I’m content and happy, I’m me own man and do as I please. I had a very negative attitude and zero expectations…. maybe not such a bad starting point cause I see everything now as a bonus and really appreciate it. Your turn will come ! Hang in there. Act don’t React Plan revenge and dig two graves.

  14. Another opinion if you want it… Change something. Do something different. Living for the day means youre just getting by. Take up some hobbies… have a view to rebuilding your life. Do something with a future. When I felt my life going down the pan after she left… I threw myself into reading law. I read everything I could. But it did me no good. In the end I had to trust my solicitors advice for good and ill. I then threw myself into a time wasting website… whittling away my evenings writing nonsense and reading crap. Then she-who-must-not-be-named came home for a few days and I fell in love with her all over again and she left me again (but to her she hadn’t come back… its a long story) After that my life really hit bad times. I couldn’t sleep or eat properly and it showed in my work. By then contact with the kids was out of the question… so at least they never saw me in that state. Then I took hold of myself when I really stopped functioning. I joined a gym and I am learning to play a musical instrument (very slowly… I am tone deaf). I started reading books for fun – never done that before. I studied for and took another exam. I spent my spare weekend days digging in the garden just to be doing it. I go on long thinking walks in the countryside. Adam, you have got to do something to save yourself now. It gets better when you make it happen …sitting at home alone and lonely and festering waiting for time to heal will do you no good.

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