She is messing with my head, should I walk away?

My Story – By Parker:

My ex-girlfriend and I have been friends for about 5 years, as we used to work together in a restaurant. During the whole time we worked together, she had a tumultuous relationship with her-then boyfriend. Our friendship continued to grow as we discovered we had very many of the same interests-she is a painter, and I wrote poetry, we listen to the same music, and have many of the same views on life, although I tend to think in more of a linear fashion while she is a very fragmented thinker. She broke up with her boyfriend, and we started to hang out more.

Then she had an abortion. I didn’t see her for three months. This January, I found a note left on my doorstep from her, asking me to call her as she missed me. We hung out a few times, and then I asked her out on a date. She accepted, but warned me that she was just getting over a serious relationship and a second abortion that she had at the end of December. She said that she didn’t want to get serious, and that she still had feelings for her ex, although she had no desire to be with him. She also let me know that she had always had feelings for me. Within a week, we were dating, and our relationship got quite serious. We spent too much time together and spent every night together for one straight month.

Two weeks ago, she had minor surgery, which I believe was emotionally traumatic for her. During our relationship, she told me many times that she was in love with me, and that I was perfect. She also mentioned that she could see herself marrying me. It was right after the surgery that she mentioned that she needed some space, that she had been neglecting her art and her friends. I tried to assure that I understood. We took a few days off, and she acted distant when we were together. This past week, she seemed to be returning to her old self. She was very affectionate and kept telling me that I was amazing. Last Friday, she took my hand in hers, and said that she needed to take more space and time. She said that she loved me, and she couldn’t believe that she was doing this. She mentioned that she still had feelings for her ex, which she didn’t believe was fair to me. Also, she mentioned that she wasn’t ready to be serious with anybody, and she wanted to take time for herself.

We talked again last night, as I met her to exchange our items (as she put it). I had the feeling that I could have walked away without saying anything and she would have just stood there and felt sorry for herself and guilty without taking action. We discussed what was happening, and she said that she didn’t know if it was possible to take steps backward in our relationship. She mentioned our previous friendship. I said that it was possible, and that I was willing to give her space and to see her only occasionally. She mentioned compatibility issues, such as our different lifestyles as a result of our different work schedules. I tried to assure her that we were compatible.

She then said that she wanted to just date me, but for me to have no expectations. She said that she couldn’t promise me that anything would ever be the same. She can be flighty at times and indecisive. I think she is confused although she insists she is not and knows what she needs to do. I am deeply in love with her and know that if the time was right, everything would work out. I do not, though, want to be available at her every whim and get hurt again. I feel like I should just forget about it, but I truly believe that she is the one for me and that I am the one for her. What do I do to win her back besides give her space and time?

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1 thought on “She is messing with my head, should I walk away?

  1. “But she also said that she wasn’t ready now and didn’t want me to have any expectations and she couldn’t promise me that things would ever be like they were.” It sounds as though your ex is not ready to commit to any relationship. There is too much uncertainty in her mind about previous relationships and what she wants from life. She needs time to grow up and in her own words knows that she cannot promise you anything. Is that enough for you? If it is, don’t expect anymore from her or try to force her to change.

    One of the reasons this ‘relationship’ did not work is that it did not have time to develop. All too often couples get physical before they really know anything about each other. Many couples consider what they have a ‘relationship’ if they’ve had sex together or if they’ve been close friends for a while. This doesn’t make them a couple. That takes a lot of time, discussion, and sharing of ideas and dreams, and commitment.

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