40 single and lonely

My Loneliness Story – By Alex:

I’m a caring, nice and compassionate person, yet people ignore me anyway. Could it be something I am doing that is scaring people off? I have no idea. People just don’t seem to care enough about me to start or keep a conversation going. I’m generally the “if no one else is there” guy; meaning if there is no other person to talk to, that’s when people talk to me.

But the fact remains that I’m shy and generally very introverted in public. So it’s very hard for me to meet new people, in that I’m not particularly good at starting conversations. I have a tendency of keeping to myself anytime I am in a new place, and this has made it very difficult for me to make new friends. I do have some friends, but I wouldn’t consider them “close” and they all went away working and never bothered to call me at any point.

I just find it difficult to express myself to those around me. I go around saying hi to neighbors and co-workers but it just never goes beyond that. I work in the same firm with my mom. While my mom is very popular within the company, I am generally ignored by everyone but my direct boss and about 2 other people. My mom told me that she was also very introverted as a child, and that some people may perceive a quiet and shy demeanor as egotistical, which I found completely dumbfounding. That could be it, but I find that hard to believe.

I once had a co-worker who I liked so much and I was convinced that she liked me as well, but each time she was around my cubicle, I get tongue-tied. She has tried to start a conversation with me on numerous occasions, but I couldn’t go beyond the exchange of pleasantries.

I just turned 40 recently, and still I have never had a real relationship. At the rate that I am going, I doubt if I will ever find love. I have signed up on so many dating apps, but I would be lucky if the ladies see the night out whenever I get a date. And if they do, they stop answering my calls. I guess it’s safe to say that I have embarrassed myself on a number of occasions. Most times, I feel like I’ve wasted all those years of my life. Of course, if a better job comes along, it could bring some meaning to life and improve my chances with women. I still feel a certain level of doubt within me because not too many women generally care about me, and I just don’t seem to ever catch any breaks.

I have gotten advice from some family members and co-workers who have tried to be of help, but most times it just never works out. Most of the things they ask me to do seem very easy on the eye but each time I try to practice them, it just never works out. I even went as far as joining a support group at some point, but I soon lost interest and stopped attending.

I gave up on trying a long time ago, most nights now I just lay on my bed and get lost in my own thoughts. I have had some scary thoughts in some occasions, but they haven’t ever pushed me too far. I want to get out of this snare of loneliness before it is too late. I want to also have night out with friends and find love. I guess in some way it eases the pain to see others are in the same boat, but that doesn’t make everything better. Oh well.

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8 thoughts on “40 single and lonely

  1. Alex you are as you say; kind, compassionate and so on…then you must realize that some people do give a damn…I mean you care and as long as you care that is one person…even if it is out of a million…you are one person who cares and that is saying a lot.

    Don’t lose faith in people…it is not so much that they don’t care as it is they care too much about things you can’t see. Like their lives, their problems, their own loneliness. Sometimes it is hard to look out your window and see the rain when you are facing a mirror. Give a little and you will get a little…and even if it is a very very little…a little is better than none.

    *The days grow dim the days grow dark and i cannot see my way. I am blind…until…I realize that I, alone, am the light that I seek*

  2. Hi Alex like you I don’t know why but I find I’m lonely.

    I feel like I’m lacking something.

    Saw a councilor a couple times. He said people who treat you negatively are just trying to make themselves feel better. Their life may suck and their just doing what they can to feel in control. Things may not be going how they want them to be going and they may not realize they’re treating you like absolute crap. I thought of that and I’m wondering how many of us treat someone a certain way that pushes them away when we really want them near.

    Anyway….I’m lonely because I feel I lack friends. I guess it’s hard to do but the best thing may be to just get out…do something I love. Connect with people in person. Even helping others out may help.

    Another thing…sometimes it’s easy to get into feeling all crappy and it’s the hardest thing to get back out of.

  3. Alex I listen to songs from when I was younger and I think of the events that have gone by. I know I cause myself this pain, but I desperately long for the places and people that used to be my life.

    I turned 44 a week ago and I constantly taste the bittersweet-ness that is nostalgia. Time is passing me by. Only in my mind can I replay the events of my life and dream. Dream of things that once were.

    My loneliness is my prison forged from love. I realized it too late and now she’s been gone for years. Is free-will only an illusion and destiny reality? Perhaps in another life her and I will meet fatefully and missed opportunities will go on no longer.

  4. Alex, right now I’m in my room thinking about a lot of things and they aren’t the brightest of thoughts. I have social anxiety like lots of people, but it’s even hindered me to where I have trouble contacting friends. I don’t want to contact all of my friends and have them all be busy, because I know there’s a good chance they’ll be out of my mind within an hour or so. I know I’ve been flaky a lot of my life. Unintentionally, but it still happens. I have so much on my mind at any given time that I feel like I’d have to make a much more conscious effort to keep people at the forefront. But naturally that’s just not who I am.

    I also think lots of people who have known me in the past would think of me as introverted, which is not the case. I’m not initially the most talkative or inquiring person but I have a desire to be. It’s not even wanting to say things that please people (I don’t care about that, if someone doesn’t like me for being myself then that’s their problem), it’s that I don’t know what I would say to get a conversation going. I could mention the immediate, surface level shit and try to small talk about that, but I HATE small talk. I feel like I haven’t gotten into anything enough to be able to have those deep, thoughtful conversations. Part of it is probably depression, since it makes it harder for anyone to be interested in things. Man is it tough for me sometimes. Right now I have a zillion things I like and could be doing, but nothing is piquing my interest.

    I’ve basically been living a lifestyle that goes against my natural desires but I’ve been stuck in it for so long I don’t know how I’ll get out of it. I know it’s all up to me and I probably should just force myself into those uncomfortable situations, but if anyone has any advice it would be nice.

  5. Alex, the one thing that keeps me relatively sane is knowing that I’m not the only one in the world with problems. This site is proof that there are plenty of people who are lonely, sad, haunted, etc.

    The hard part is not belittling one’s own problems. I know that I have a hard time placing any value on myself because I keep in mind that there are others who are troubled.

    It’s a near-impossible juggling act.

  6. Hi Alex, I think I understand what you are going through. I myself am an introvert and I know how easily lost one can be in a room filled with people. But recently I have been doing a lot of work on myself. Being an introvert isn’t a bad thing, but you need to work on improving, and only you can make up your mind to do that. I think the most important thing is for you to work on your self-esteem, as this will help you to have confidence in yourself and your own ideas. You also need to understand yourself. Understanding your strengths, weaknesses and beliefs will make you feel more certain of yourself in conversations. And lastly you need to try your possible best to harness every opportunity that you might have to interact with those around you.

  7. Your story reflects that of someone who wants to actually relate with people, but I think your shy nature is making it very difficult for you. Just like your mum said, most introverts are usually considered egocentric, but as long as you are willing to change that about yourself, I believe that you could change people’s opinion about you. Stop ignoring people around you and try to acknowledge their presence either by greeting them or sharing your thoughts with them. Obviously people must have tried to start conversations with you at times but due to the way you respond they don’t continue the conversation. Next time such opportunities present itself, I will suggest that you try to put more conscious effort into giving them appropriate responses.

  8. Recently, some job seekers were invited for an interview with the top shots in my firm and I was fortunate to be in the meeting as a personal assistant to one of the executives who was not around at the time. I noticed during the course of the interview how difficult it was for most of the interviewees to compose themselves and actually speak freely. The few ones who were able to do that were found to have always participated in activities where they had to speak to a crowd or a number of people. Some were found to belong to various associations and groups and this afforded them the opportunity to continually interact with people and express themselves. I will suggest that you should try volunteering for a change as I have seen how helpful it has been to a lot of people. It will make you interact with people more and help you make new friends. You could also join a group around you to further improve your chances of making new friends and saying goodbye to loneliness.

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